Night out

I went on my first night out in absolutely ages on Friday. I was so worried about it all, I’ve not been for ages and loud, crowded places are something I used to deal with but haven’t done for a long time. Not only that but meeting new people is also massively stressful for me!! Well, let me tell you, I had a great night out and met some great people!!!

I basically got invited by my friend, but I was really worried as I didn’t know anyone else who was going. I did debate not going. I stressed out over it all. But I’m just so glad I did go and now it’ll make me feel abit easier about going out again on a night with people I don’t know! The noise was cancelled out by the music so that was fine because music is the one thing I love in my life! And the crowds bothered me to start with but when I’d drank more and got to see what lovely people the people we had gone with were it made it so much easier!!

So basically what I’m trying to say is, try something that will make you feel uncomfortable, the happiness you will feel afterwards when you have got through it, but not only got through it, enjoyed it too, will make you feel so happy and make you feel like you could definitly do it again 🙂

Feeling amazing to feeling like rubbish in less than 24 hours

Yesterday I went to see my friend that I’d previously written about. I had a great time catching up with her, it felt like things were exactly as we’d left them (except with another child and dog on her behalf and another dog on my behalf 😂). I came home feeling so good and in such a happy mood, I thought nothing could change that.

That was until I saw the exit poll (for the elections) just before I went to bed. And that was it. My life went from high to low in seconds. I didn’t sleep at all last night with the worry that it might be true. And then I found out all my fears were founded. He won…. Boris Johnson has won. I’m so angry and upset. How many people I’ve spoke to that I know have voted for him just so he can “get brexit done”. Because 1) people think it’s as easy as that and 2) people didn’t stop to think about all the bad things that will happen. There will now be another 5 years of people with disabilities having to fight for benefits (probably a fair few committing suicide along the way) and fighting for the support we need (which is non existent as it is). There will be parents fighting even more so now for their children with disabilities. There will be even more problems with the NHS, policing, schools, homelesness, child poverty… The list is endless. I am scared for what the future holds for our country now. I am scared for my future. I am scared for my kids future. How can people vote for someone just for one reason and ignore everything else?! I don’t understand at all. And now my day will go on, having had no sleep whatsoever, feeling rubbish and things only getting worse as everytime I look on social media or turn the TV on it will all be about “Boris Johnson this, Boris Johnson that” I hope in 5 years time that all the people who voted for him just because he reckons he will get brexit done will realise what a mistake they have made. But by then it’ll be too late for so many people 😦

Christmas

Christmas is just over 2 weeks away and I’m seriously not in the mood for it this year. The past few years I have started to take the children abroad to show them the world and help them get used to all sorts of changes they wouldn’t usually be comfortable with, but because of this money is alot tighter this year and I’m no where near finished my Christmas shopping! Also, this year is the 3rd Christmas since my Dad died and for some reason I am finding it more difficult this Christmas than I have previously. If I didn’t have kids I’d happily not celebrate at all this year!!! We literally only put the tree up 2 days ago and that was only because the kids decided they were doing it alone! I’m not going to any of the kids Christmas things at school this year as they are both on the same day, both different ends of the city!

On another note, the friend I wrote about here in my last blog post…. I reached out to her, not expecting much but always hoping, and we are now friends again! I’m so pleased because I really worried I had messed things up so badly. So now I’m looking forward to catching up with her properly at some point as it’s been so long! Anyway I don’t really have much to write about at the moment but thought I’d catch people up abit as I’ve not posted for a few days 🙂

I used to have a friend…

I want to write today’s blog about someone. She was special to me, she helped me when I needed it, she was there for me, we argued sometimes but mostly she was there for me. I made a choice and I wonder if it was the right one. Nearly 3 years on I’ve been thinking alot lately. We both made mistakes in that friendship, but did I make the biggest mistake ever by cutting her out the way I did? I had what I thought at the time were valid reasons to do that but at the time my head was all over the place, see, I’d just lost my Dad. I wasn’t in a good place at all. And the longer this has gone on the more I wonder if I made a mistake. And even if I did, then what can I do about it? I wouldn’t be surprised at all if she never wanted to speak to me or see me again after just cutting her out like I did. I grieved. I grieved over my Dad dying. I grieved over the friendship I had lost. I still grieve over both. How do you know if you’ve made a mistake? How do you put something like that right again? Life is so difficult. Friendship is so difficult. Having autism is so difficult.

I wish life was easier for me. I wish I knew what I wanted. But I don’t. And this is why since I ended this friendship the way I did I have never since had a friend like her. Someone I can speak to about anything and not be judged. Someone I could act like myself around and she didn’t care if I looked like an idiot. Someone who brought out the best in me, made me more confident, made me enjoy life. But also made me question life and question things.

I don’t know what I’ll do about it all at the moment. My head feels like it’s all over the place again. I used to have a friend…. I loved her, she was my best friend… But then I messed up

Bad day :-(

Today hasn’t been a good day. I’ve not posted anything for a couple of days because it’s all been going okish…. That is until today….

It all started with youngest daughters taxi/guide being later than usual, one bad thing I can cope with and get over ok but it just kept going wrong.

So I had maths this morning, and one of the other people decided to come up behind and poke me saying hello…. People who know me know I hate being touched, but especially by people I don’t really know. I feel uncomfortable around this person anyway because of some other issues I have but that was it then…. Maths would not stick in my brain whatsoever (and I’m usually the one picked on to answer questions because I usually know the answers) then to top that off we had a test thrown onto us, so my already stressed brain got even more stressed and I think that I’ve not done very well at all on it 😦

Also, I used to love football on a Wednesday afternoon but I’m starting to not enjoy it as much as I used to. The coaches now don’t seem interested and just want to mess about, our old coaches were so good but since they left everything has changed. I’m seriously considering giving it up after Xmas (and again people who know me will know how much I’ve loved learning to play football). Yes I’m not the best in the world, I’m never going to be able to play for a team but I do it for fun because I enjoy it, I like to learn new skills and about positioning, I just like everything about playing but it’s becoming something I’m loosing interest in just because the coaches we have now don’t seem to be interested in us, and making us better at what we do.

I don’t count any of the people I do maths with as friends so I do not think it’s acceptable for them to touch me or treat me like I am as I only have to see them because I need to do my maths qualification. Whereas with the people I play football, I feel alot more comfortable around then and would possibly consider them as friends, although I suppose it depends how you define friends as I wouldn’t tell them certain things but then I suppose there are things you’d only tell close friends, so that means they are friends. I don’t have any close friends who I feel like I can tell everything and although I do miss that in one way, in another way I think it’s probably better like that.

So yes, today has been a bad day, I hope the evening goes nice and peacefully because I’ve had enough stress for one day 😦

Today I just wanted to talk about…

So today I just wanted to talk about 2 things that have affected me this morning already which I hate. Supposedly I have said something wrong, however it was misinterpreted by the husband. I know exactly what I was saying and meaning when I said it but no, I’ve said something terrible and a massive argument occurs. I hate being autistic sometimes because I try to get across to people what I’m saying and it always ends up that they think I’m trying to say something else and cause an argument. I’m not. I hate arguing. But my life at the moment just seems to be one big fat argument 😦 You know, he has known me now for close to 20 years and he still doesn’t get what I’m trying to say so what hope do I have with people I only just meet. You’d think the more he got to know me the easier it would get but it just seems like it’s the opposite, and like he just doesn’t understand the problems I have

Secondly, change! So, I’d planned yesterday that we were going to the park today with the football and having a couple of hours running around out of the house (because the weather forecast according to my phone was good) . Woke up this morning to more rain 😦 I’m just getting over being ill and there is no way I want to be running around in the rain if I don’t have to, so we’ve now decided on swimming. This sounds all well and good, however every other time something has changed like this I’ve got to the time when I was supposed to be doing the other thing (eg today swimming) and then I just can’t do it, because that isn’t what was planned. I hate when I feel like this, I really want to do it this time and take the kids swimming. I know nothing will happen just because the plans are changed but it messes up my thoughts and everything and I just don’t cope with then having to do the new thing. It’s hard to explain, and even harder to live with when I have whingy kids because I can’t do it.

Why do people say that?!

Last night I was reading my kindle book on my phone before bed (like I always do) and I got to this page. Look at it!!! How can you have slight autism?!?! You either have it or don’t!!! Come to think of it I don’t even like the sayings high and low functioning because if you think about it, someone like me is classed as extremely high functioning but if I was so high functioning then how come I can’t make phone calls, talk to people, go out alone, or even get and keep a job! That doesn’t sound very high functioning to me!! Same with my 2 girls with autism, I wonder when they are older if they would be able to live alone or need to be in supported accommodation (that doesn’t make them sound very high functioning either)
I think if it wasn’t for me meeting my husband I would never have been able to live alone, and if anything were to ever happen with us now I’d struggle with bills, things that break or go wrong and all sorts of other things, so that also doesn’t sound very high functioning to me! I know low functioning is supposed to be kids who can’t talk or who have minimal speech, and their symptoms are more pronounced but I really don’t think high functioning is a good description (people will assume that means we can still do everything a “normal” person can do which is so wrong!!!) I just really needed to get this off my chest as I couldn’t sleep last night thinking about it all (I hate it when I can’t sleep because my brain doesn’t stop but that’s really common for me so I mostly live off 3 to 4 hours sleep a night)

Growing up

Today my middle baby had teacher training day. She usually goes to residential school in the week so I thought she might struggle being off, but nope she showed me just how much she is changing! We watched a programme called home free that was on channel 4 the other night and she’s now really interested to watch the rest of the series! We went through college courses to help her have some idea of what she would like to do as we have her annual review coming up in a couple of weeks, and we made meatballs for dinner! Why do they have to grow up so quickly?! Don’t get me wrong her behaviour was alot more unmanageable when she was younger but I just wish kids didn’t have to grow up!

I also found out that the lego shop in Birmingham opened the other day and I so want to go, but I seem to be really struggling alot more than usual lately with going out alone or meeting/talking to people so that means I have to forget going there. I’ve ordered some new headphones which I’m going to give a try going out with them on at some point but town is too much of a big step to start off with so I need to do something smaller first. I don’t understand what is going on with me lately but I do feel as though I am regressing more with my autistic behaviours, or maybe I just am struggling too much now with trying to hide everything like I usually do. I’m going to try and be as honest as I can in this blog and so some people will probably be a bit shocked because I hide everything so much but maybe being honest might help myself and others around me to understand me abit better! That’s the hope anyway!!!